A letter to my future child:
It has been far too long since my last letter, but you have been on my mind as much as ever. Planning a wedding definitely consumes you. But, it's all consuming in such a beautiful way. I hope to tell you all about it someday. About every little detail. About how happiness completely engulfed me and I felt like I was in a dream. The happiest of dreams. How love took over and I could not get enough of making sure that the day I had dreamed of my entire life would be a true reflection of the love your dad and I share. The advice from others is constant. There is a theme of, it is just one day...focus on the marriage not the wedding...all that matters is that you are marrying your best friend. I could not agree more, but I still want the beauty of the most incredible love story ever to unfold and tell the story of how two people met, fell in love and want to celebrate each other for a lifetime and beyond. We are less than two weeks from the wedding and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure it is all real. I could never express how amazing it is to truly be loved, accepted and adored by your best friend and preparing to commit your lives to one another before God, friends and family. The bonds of a strong commitment and love are one of those experiences that cannot be described by words, but must be felt. I gather that the love a mother feels for her child is of a similar resilient strength, just in a completely different form. I feel even though you're not here yet, those bonds have already started to form and that love for you has been growing in my heart my entire life. Yesterday I experienced that mother-child bond, but on the end of the child. Let me try to explain. When your grandfather died my world was forever changed. I lost part of myself that day. One positive thing that grew from that horrible experience was my bond with your grandmother. She and I have had our moments, especially during my teenage years. There was never a doubt in my mind of how much I loved her or how blessed I was to have her as a mother, but my gratefulness was lacking at times. Along with how I treated her. We became connected in such a deep way when your grandfather died. More than ever, loving her and caring for her become my priority. I wanted to take her pain away, to hold her and not let go and to make her feel how much I loved her. She is such an amazing woman. Another thing that happened to me after I lost your grandfather was the realization that for years I had been living with anxiety isssues, unbeknownst to me. I worried more. About my mom. About life. Such a big part of my life was missing when he died. Your grandmother has grown to be my best friend. I can't go a day without talking to her or I miss her like crazy. She adds such light to my life. Yesterday, I couldn't get a hold of her which is rare. I tried her home phone, cell phone and your Uncle Doug's phone. Panic set in. I instantly felt that something bad had happened and wanted to know for certain she was fine. I broke down, becuase the mere thought of something happening to her terrified me. That is the type of love I hope and know in my heart we will feel for each other some day. In the back of my mind I knew everything was fine, but my mind went back to the day I received the worst phone call of my life. The call when I found out your grandfather went to sleep and never woke up. The day I found out he went to be an angel in heaven with his best friend Kent. The day my life would never be the same. After I spoke with your grandmother yesterday and felt silly for getting so worked up, I thought about something. When I hung up the phone with her I thought, "I hope I have a child that loves me this much one day." I am so thankful I finally realize how amazing my mother is. How much she loves me and loved me before she brought me into this world. She too was told she could never have children. But she didn't give up. My dad and mom wanted a family. They wanted to be parents so they adopted. And they love my brothers in the most beautiful way. They made them parents when they were told that would never happen. They had so much love in their hearts that God gave them me when they weren't even looking for me. Your grandmother says that I never moved when I was in her belly. I find that hard to believe as I haven't stopped moving since I landed in this beautiful world. Although this story has been a bit all over the place, the moral is, a love between a mother and a child is a force to be reckoned with. Such an amazing thing that I cannot wait to experience from the other end. You are loved. I am not sure how or when we will meet, but I promise you this, you better be ready to be loved like crazy for the rest of your life. Your dad and I sure are ready. Now back to planning The Best Day Ever..AKA our wedding day.
With a heart full of love, your mom