It's okay to not always be okay....

 

First off...I'M MARRIED!!!! No words can describe how amazing it feels to have committed my life to my best friend before God, friends and family. It was unreal. The day was so dreamy. Brooke Glassburn. I love the sound of that...

The wedding was beyond my wildest dreams. Every last detail was so beautiful and when I saw Jason for the first time, my heart melted. I never imagined finding someone who compliments me in the way that he does. His vows were breathtaking and there wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. I am so happy that we wrote our own vows. They are so beautiful, I have to share them:

Dear Brooke,

 There are thousands of books and articles professing the best way to utilize our lives: eat healthy, exercise, be kind, be faithful, live like there's no tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned, having fun with the person you love most is the best way to utilize life. You're that person, Brooke. You will always be that person. And if there's anything I could ever ask of you, it's that you continue being yourself, because there's no one else I could ever dream of being with.

 And maybe the best thing to say here is that I love you, but that doesn't always tell the whole story. That doesn't fully express how I feel.

 I want you to picture us in our 80s. It's 9 A.M. The orange sun is low and there's a noticeable spring chill in the air. As usual, we're sitting on our porch sipping the coffee you just poured. Whip-poor-wills are calling from the trees nearby. Behind us, in our home, are the photos of the family we've created and of the families and friends that created us. We're happy, and always have been.

 

The best way for me to tell you I love you, is to tell you that I picture this on a daily basis. To every last detail. How I can feel that light chill on the hand I've held so many times. The softness of the blanket I drape over your shoulders to keep you comfortable. The warmth we feel as the sun's rays touch our faces. The way your coffee always burns my tongue just the slightest bit, but I drink it anyway because it gives me an excuse to sit next to you. And the fact that I will be looking for those excuses for the next 60 years.

 I love you, Brooke. Forever & Always. No matter what.

 

 Did you cry after reading that?! I know I get chills every time I read them, which is at least 5 times a day! He is an amazing man. An amazing husband. And will be such an amazing father.

 Jason,

You make my world a better place. You make the sun shine a little bit brighter, the skies bluer, and you make my heart so much happier. You love me in the most honest, genuine and beautiful way. There are so many reasons why I love you. I love you because you make me feel safe and you take such good care of me. My dad would appreciate that so much. He would love that you make me sleep with a hammer under my bed and that you put a tool in my car to use to shatter the glass in case my car gets submerged in water. You remind me of him in so many ways and he would love you. He does love you. I love you because when I have a headache or a stomachache you “talk” to my head or stomach and tell them to stop hurting the love of your life. You have this child like spirit and zest for life that I did not think anyone else on this earth had but me. You make life fun. You always jump in the air and celebrate my arrival when I walk through the door. I love that about you. I always feel special, loved, pretty, noticed and heard. I promise to always greet you when you walk through the door and ask how your day was.  I promise to always celebrate you. Celebrate the kind-hearted, loving man that you are and celebrate the love we share. I promise to love you with my whole heart for my whole life. I believe in you…amazing, kind, and incredibly handsome you. I believe in us and the strength of our love and commitment to each other. I believe in the life we will build together and in the family we will grow to be. I promise to be faithful and supportive and always make your happiness and the happiness of our family my priority. Above all else, know from this day forward you will never be alone. You will forever have a home in my heart. I will be yours in plenty and in want, awesome times and tough times, in success and failure. I will always be there to pick you up when you fall. You’re my best friend, my penguin, my soul mate and the love of my life. You are my favorite person, and you have my heart and soul, forever and always.

 Brooke

I would recommend writing personal vows to anyone getting married. It adds such a personal, intimate element to the ceremony. I can't wait to read these to our children someday. I would love to include these in our story to the birth mother as well. I think our vows beautifully paint a picture of who we are and how powerful our love story is and continues to grow to be.

 My heart is overflowing with happiness. I am so excited to see where this life takes us on our journey as husband and wife. To see the family that we grow to be. People are starting to ask us when we are planning to start the adoption process. We both agree to let it happen when it happens and start to head down the path that will lead us to our future family. There are still moments when sadness washes over me when I think about the children that I cannot conceive. Would they have had Jason's dark complexion and adorable facial expressions? (His nephew does and it is the cutest thing) Would they have had my fathers nose or my goofy sense of humor? Last night I was at Target and I walked through the baby section. Sometimes I find myself in certain situations where I start to think, "YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A CHILD". Although, I am at peace with it and know I will be a mother someday, I still grieve for the children that will never grow inside me. I get angry, sad and feel a bit lost. Last night when I started feeling this way, I told myself, "it's okay to not always be okay". This is something I had to tell myself quite often after my father passed away. And I find myself needing those words now more than ever. But, then I also start to feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want my future children to ever think they were a second choice, because that is the farthest thing from the truth. I already think of my future children as miracles. As gifts. I will look at them as the most precious blessing and remember the words, "you will never have a child" and shake my head and think, challenge accepted!

I cannot wait to start the adoption journey with Jason and will keep the world posted as things progress!!

In the meantime, here a few dreamy wedding pics...

 

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger