We love you already...an adoption tale : Life was never the same after March 3, 2011...the day you passed away....

Dad,

It is so hard to believe that it has been 3 years and 1 day since you left this world. So much has changed since then. So much I wish you could have been here for. I never knew what missing someone meant until that day. That day was so hard. But even just saying those words doesn't even amount to the pain we all felt that day. I'm going to tell you about that day. The day my life changed forever.

You didn't call me to wake me up that morning like usual, but I didn't think anything of it. I had spoken to you the evening before and you mentioned a doctors appointment. Nothing out of the ordinary. I think it was a normal check up appointment of sorts. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was brilliantly bright and as I drove to work I remember being in a great mood. The sun was shining, Spring was around the corner and I was listening to music without a care in the world. I was happy. Ready for whatever the day would bring. Or so I thought. I had just pulled into the parking space which was in front of a small pond. I was watching the geese and hoping they stayed away from my car! My phone rang and I assumed it was you so I didn't even look at the screen, I just answered. But, it wasn't you. It was Doug. And what he said when I answered changed everything. You know Doug's nature, calm, protective, incredibly genuine. He has always gone out of his way to take care of me and I can't even imagine how hard it was for him to be the one to call me to tell me you had died in your sleep. But, he would never make mom do that. He is selfless and a protector. I can never forget that phone call even if I wanted to. "Dad died, Brooke. He had a heart attack in his sleep and never woke up." I thought I was going to throw up. But, then I thought, "this is a joke." I JUST talked to him less than 24 hours ago. He sounded fine. He was happy. He was telling me about his day. This seriously has to be a joke. I hung up on Doug and ran into work. Luckily no kids had arrived yet. There was only 1 therapist there. Her name was Cara. She was a sweet, caring mother of 3 and I am thankful it was her who was there. I ran inside, sobbing and collapsed on the ground repeating over and over, "my dads dead, my dads dead." Being so caring and motherly, she laid down beside me and comforted me and prayed over me. So many people showed their love and kindness to me in the days and months following your death. It helped me get through. I ran into the play room and laid down on the trampoline. My head was spinning. The room was spinning. I called Sandra. So lucky to have her as a best friend. I wrote a goodbye letter to you and she read it at your funeral. And don't worry, mom and I made sure they played Dock of the Bay at the funeral. You would have been pleased. Then I called mom. My heart broke twice that day. Once for loosing you and once for mom.

I went back to my house and gathered up some clothes and what not to head to moms. The drive to Fort Wayne took me 4 hours. I had to stop a lot. I stopped to cry. To scream. I even got sick on the side of the road. Ew. Never knew what this kind of pain felt like and the effect it has on a person mentally and physically. The physical aspect was crazy. I couldn't eat or sleep and felt like I was in a constant daze.

I pulled up to the house and saw your car. Saw the American flag blowing in the wind. Everything looked the same. It looked like home. But, it didn't feel like home anymore without you. When I opened the door mom collapsed in my arms. I think she was waiting for me to let it all out. I know mom and I had our share of arguments throughout the years, but in that moment of weakness, I could almost feel us grow closer. You would be so proud of her, dad. She is so strong. Seeing her those first few days after you were gone was the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. She was and still is lost without you. She didn't even know what she liked in her coffee because you always made it for her. You took care of us so well that we were all a bit lost without you. Somehow she found strength and she is such an amazing example and my best friend. You would love how close we are. Don't worry, I will always watch out for her and take care of her. Always.

I struggled. I didn't like life without you. I was your little princess and you were my daddy. And then suddenly you were gone. I was angry. I was confused. I was a bit of every emotion all at the same time and it was hell. I prayed and prayed and prayed for strength. And then along came Jason. Did you have something to do with that?! Mom and I think so! Dad, you would love him and be so proud of the way he loves and takes care of me. You don't have to worry about your little girl.I will never be alone. Jason and I have such a strong love that reminds me of the love you and mom share. He will always take care of me so please know your little girl is loved, safe and taken care of always.

March 3rd is my sad day. It is a reminder of what I lost that day. Instead of just being sad I decided to take that day and honor you. I visit the War Memorial Museum, eat a tenderloin and drink a Killian's, write you a letter and attach it to a balloon and send it to you in Heaven. I also do some random acts of kindness for strangers in your name. By them breakfast or coffee, and leave a little note about how amazing you were and asking them to pay it forward in your honor. It helps me get through the day. Yesterday was the first day it fell on a work day. I almost took a sick day, but knew you would be pissed if I took a sick day in your name! You had the best work ethic ever. I brought in donuts to work and bought people coffee at Starbucks.

If I could tell you anything it would be a simple thank you. Thank you loving me with such intensity and never, ever giving up on me. For always making me feel like a princess. For the huge smile on your face when I walked in the room and the way you always called me Brookie. Thank you for constantly making me feel loved. That is so important and something some people never genuinely feel. From birth until the day you died you loved me like crazy. I also wish I could tell you how proud I am of you. You were such an amazing man. My cup runneth over dad and you are missed more and more everyday. It doesn't really get easier it just gets different. I really missed you at the wedding. You would have looked so handsome walking me down the aisle. Uncle Dave did such a great job. Mom looked beautiful that day.

I knew it would be so hard to not have you there on that day. Every little girl dreams about her daddy walking down the aisle someday. It was so hard, but I added some happy reminders of you throughout the day. You were with me that day. I know in my heart you were smiling down. I used your old red toolbox for cards. We had a Killians toast and fudge-sicles at the end of the reception. I loved adding some of your favorite things to the wedding. Oh and we referred to the wedding as. "The Best Day Ever". It was truly beautiful. My engagement ring and is made from your wedding band. It is beautiful and so precious to have part of you with me forever. We made a necklace for mom with the other half. She never takes it off!