Words....

I couldn't sleep last night. I decided to look up a t shirt I had seen on Etsy with the "Adoption is the New Pregnant" phrase on it as I had seen it earlier and read that the family who is selling them is using the money towards their adoption. I thought, "wow, how cool." But, as I was searching I came across two blogs with a completely different message. These were blogs against the making of the shirts and the saying "adoption is the new pregnant" all together. Now, we are each entitled to our own opinion and our experiences and journeys life has taken us through have molded and formed our thought patterns. The things these women were saying were so hurtful. My heart broke. I cried and touched my belly. Feeling that emptiness all over again the same as when I heard the words, "you can never get pregnant." The woman who started the blog said it was the most offensive statement she has ever heard and adopting does not make you a mother. She went on to say hurtful things such as its not the worlds fault that some women can't get pregnant, but that doesn't give them the right to take other women's children. She went on to say countless nasty things about women who adopt. Now, I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did. It still does. My heart hurts today. By saying, "adoption is the new pregnant" am I offending women who have and will give birth? Am I offending our future birth mom? In no way is that my intention. I'm simply trying to find peace and happiness in my situation. And no matter what I trust and know in my heart that I will be a mother. And I will always have the highest regard and love for the woman and man who made that possible.

Mothers Day Love....

Dear future birth mother:

I thought about you so much yesterday. I thought about the baby that we will both love so very much, in very different ways. I thought about how on every mothers day we will light a candle for you and talk about you. I want our child to know that their "tummy mommy" loved them so much. More than I can ever comprehend. Your selflessness will make me a mother. It will make Jason a father. And it will make us a family.

We will celebrate you not only on Mothers day, but on birthdays and adoption days as well. There will never be a question in our child's mind about where they came from and how much they are loved not only by the mothers heart who she grew in, but the heart he or she grew under as well.

Thank you just does not sound appropriate. As weird as it may sound, when I think about you and the child you will bless us with, I just want to tell you I love you. I want to make you feel loved and no matter what life has brought your way, let you know that there are people that love you and will always love you.

So, this is my mothers day wish for you: don't mourn for the child who you "gave away" (I hate that term), but think about how much that child and his or her family love you. How we think about you always and talk about you. Talk about your bravery, courage, and love. You will be loved and celebrated by us every mothers day, groundhog day, the first of the month, and every single day in between.

You are stronger than you think. You are beautiful and you are loved.

Happy mothers day.

Love,

Brooke

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Calm before the storm?!

Since the engagement I have constantly been daydreaming of all things wedding. Pinning wedding goodness on Pinterest until my eyes are blurry and in general focused on the wedding. A major case of wedding brain as my sweet friend Holli says! :) Now that the wedding, which is affectionately know as "The Best Day Ever", is only 3 1/2 months away(OMG!!!!!! I never say that, but it seems appropriate in this case!), when I should be getting busy on the million things I have to do, I find myself constantly daydreaming about adoption. Weird, I know. Like my mom says, "Brooke, you have to get through the wedding first!" Although the wedding hasn't occurred yet, I am in love with that day already. I close my eyes and I can smell the flowers on a warm August day. Hear the laughter of all the kids playing in the lawn at the farm. Ahhh, it makes my heart so happy! I am marrying my best friend. The person who makes me feel beautiful, and loved, and I can be my silly self with all the time. There will be amazing music, and dancing, and even a prize jar. More on that sweet treat later! :)  I will be surrounded by all of the people that I love and looked down from Heaven on by those who unfortunately have departed this world too soon.(Miss you, daddy. xo) When I think about the wedding I get this light hearted joy and excitement similar to the way I would feel before traveling to a new destination, but much more intense!

I think my heart is so full of love right now, that perhaps that is why I have adoption brain. Don't get me wrong, I still have wedding brain, but for some reason I have adoption on my mind and in my heart 24/7 lately!

Today, though, I found myself overwhelmed with nerves and anxiety when I was researching adoption and what steps to take. Where to begin?! Wow, there is so much out there! I have to remind myself to stay focused and positive and know that this will happen when it is supposed to happen. It just makes me so nervous! I even found an article that instead of a "Dear Birth Mother" letter, couples make a video of themselves for prospective parents. Cool and scary all at the same time! I hope they don't come across some of the rap videos I made in the car that Jason snuck on Facebook. Or wait, perhaps my sweet rap skills will win her over?! A girl can dream, can't she?! :)

I would love to find a local support group for Jason and I to join after the wedding madness is over so we can get advice and tips from couples who have adopted or who are on their own adoption journey. If you are reading this and want to share your story or give tips and advice that would be amazing! :)

And now I have to get ready for our big move this weekend! So excited for this next chapter with Jason. :)

Lots of love!

Brooke

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

So much love to give...

In the beginning I would get so nervous about whether or not Jason and I would be chosen as adoptive parents when that time comes. Would living in apartment count against us? Do we make enough money? Are we awesome enough? I think we all know the answer to number 3!

Something happened since I have been planning my wedding. This calmness has washed over me in a way I can't explain. I know in my heart that there is a baby out there that God already has picked out for us. I'm not the most religious person. I struggle in my journey with Christ, but one thing I know for sure is that God is good and that he provides. My heart is so open and so full of love to give to a child that I know that will not be denied.

The questions I have been getting from people who know we will be adopting in the future is: what country do you want to adopt from? Do you want a boy or a girl? Our hearts are completely open to any baby. Ideally I would love to follow the birth mom on her pregnancy journey. Not just because I would love to adopt an infant, because I want to be there for her. I want to see her body grow and change and experience those changes with her. I want to tell her everyday how amazing she is for what she is doing for us. I want to know her. Know her stories, good or bad. Talk with her. Be her friend. Because not only will we love her child for the rest of our lives, but we will love her. We may not be part of her journey after the birth, but we will love her forever. I want to be there to comfort her tell her she is beautiful. Because, I think all women should be told they're beautiful all the time and especially when they are pregnant. Now, my wishes may not all come true. I am sure we will be warned about being close with the birth mom and the chances of her changing her mind, but like I said before I know in my heart there is a baby meant to mine and Jason's. And one way or another, be it in a letter or face to face, I will make sure she knows how much she means to us and that she is giving us the greatest gift. I want her to know she will always be loved and that her child will know where he or she came from. I want them to know that their "tummy mommy" loved them very much. I want to celebrate their birthday and their adoption day.

So many things to look forward to in the future, but for now I have a wedding to plan!!

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

We love you to the moon and back...

I have been pondering the idea of starting a blog for quite some time. Now this will not be your average, everyday blog. I have decided to start writing journals, letters, daily messages to the birth mother of our future adopted baby.

Now, I don't know when we will adopt (going to start the process a bit after our August wedding), but the love that I already have in my heart for this woman is amazing. It is such a different, overwhelming, emotional love, and because of this and that the journey has already started in my heart, I have decided to write to her. I want her to know us. Know our daily lives. Know the story of how we met and fell in love. Know how thankful I am for her. For her selflessness. For the child that we will unconditionally love until our hearts stop beating and beyond. I also decided to make this public so the people in my life can be part of this journey as well.

I don't normally spill out uber personal details, but with this being such an emotional journey, I decided that this would be therapeutic for me and to help everyone understand our adoption story. In February of 2012 I was told I could never have children. I have a condition called Premature Ovarian Failure (POV). My ovaries do not produce eggs. I took a test that said that I have a less than 1% chance of ever producing one egg. I found this out before I met Jason and about a year after my father had past away. Now, adoption has always been in my heart, but hearing the words, "you can never have children" is devastating. I felt like such a special gift had been taken from me. I would go to the store and see a pregnant woman and cry and touch my belly and feel such an emptiness. I was grieving. Grieving for the children I would never give birth to. I instantly thought that no one would ever want to be with me, because I could not have children.

Then steps in Jason. A gift that I am so grateful for. When I met Jason, I knew he was special. After our second date we both knew we were meant to be. I wanted to tell him in the beginning about not being able to have children, because I felt that he deserved to know. Jason was so accepting of this and even made a joke that getting pregnant isn't cool and adopting is so much better. I cannot put into words how it feels to know that someone loves you so unconditionally and truly that they would accept everything without even doubting it for a moment. My love for him at that moment intensified and I knew I was so incredibly blessed.

I cannot wait to be his wife. It is less than 4 months and I am so ready! (Well, ready in my heart and ready to be his wife, but boy do we have a lot to do for the big day!)

I am so excited about this blog and to have the people I love in my life go on this journey with me.

With love,

Brooke

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger