Thankful for you...

To the birth mother of the future Glassburn babe:

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I find it essential to come clean about something...I have been having a bit of a pity party for myself lately and I am not happy about that. I know I have mentioned before that I have found peace with not being able to get pregnant, but there are times when I feel like I am mourning the children that will never grow inside me. One thing I am sure about though is that adoption is the way that Jason and I will become parents and we will love that baby in ways I can't even comprehend. The love I already feel for the future Glassburn babes is unreal. The love I feel for you, the woman who will make me a mother, is also something I cannot put in words. So from here on out the pity party stops. I do stand by my mantra that "it's okay to not always be okay" and will allow myself moments to be sad, but my focus from here on out is thankfulness and hope for the future. My thankfulness does not end when the month of November ceases and we move into the hustle and bustle of Christmas, but will continue daily. One thing that is on my thankful list daily is you.

On this day of thanks I want to tell you how much I pray for you every night before I go to sleep. I am not the most religious person, but my faith is something that does not waiver. Especially since losing my father almost three years ago. There's a verse from one of my favorite songs, When a Heart Breaks by Ben Rector, that hits so close to home for me. I find myself saying this verse to myself before I go to sleep most nights...

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I ask God to keep you safe, to know you are loved and I even ask him to make sure you have food and blankets to keep you warm. Silly, but if you knew my personality, you would know I tend to get a bit silly. And I am perfectly okay with that! I thank God for you every night.

I hope that you are somewhere warm and cozy today surrounded by loved ones and lots of delicious food. I hope you are relaxed, loved and able to enjoy your day and all you have to be thankful for. And if you are not, know that we love you, are thankful for you and I will continue to think of and pray for you everyday.

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

It's okay to not always be okay....

 

First off...I'M MARRIED!!!! No words can describe how amazing it feels to have committed my life to my best friend before God, friends and family. It was unreal. The day was so dreamy. Brooke Glassburn. I love the sound of that...

The wedding was beyond my wildest dreams. Every last detail was so beautiful and when I saw Jason for the first time, my heart melted. I never imagined finding someone who compliments me in the way that he does. His vows were breathtaking and there wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. I am so happy that we wrote our own vows. They are so beautiful, I have to share them:

Dear Brooke,

 There are thousands of books and articles professing the best way to utilize our lives: eat healthy, exercise, be kind, be faithful, live like there's no tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned, having fun with the person you love most is the best way to utilize life. You're that person, Brooke. You will always be that person. And if there's anything I could ever ask of you, it's that you continue being yourself, because there's no one else I could ever dream of being with.

 And maybe the best thing to say here is that I love you, but that doesn't always tell the whole story. That doesn't fully express how I feel.

 I want you to picture us in our 80s. It's 9 A.M. The orange sun is low and there's a noticeable spring chill in the air. As usual, we're sitting on our porch sipping the coffee you just poured. Whip-poor-wills are calling from the trees nearby. Behind us, in our home, are the photos of the family we've created and of the families and friends that created us. We're happy, and always have been.

 

The best way for me to tell you I love you, is to tell you that I picture this on a daily basis. To every last detail. How I can feel that light chill on the hand I've held so many times. The softness of the blanket I drape over your shoulders to keep you comfortable. The warmth we feel as the sun's rays touch our faces. The way your coffee always burns my tongue just the slightest bit, but I drink it anyway because it gives me an excuse to sit next to you. And the fact that I will be looking for those excuses for the next 60 years.

 I love you, Brooke. Forever & Always. No matter what.

 

 Did you cry after reading that?! I know I get chills every time I read them, which is at least 5 times a day! He is an amazing man. An amazing husband. And will be such an amazing father.

 Jason,

You make my world a better place. You make the sun shine a little bit brighter, the skies bluer, and you make my heart so much happier. You love me in the most honest, genuine and beautiful way. There are so many reasons why I love you. I love you because you make me feel safe and you take such good care of me. My dad would appreciate that so much. He would love that you make me sleep with a hammer under my bed and that you put a tool in my car to use to shatter the glass in case my car gets submerged in water. You remind me of him in so many ways and he would love you. He does love you. I love you because when I have a headache or a stomachache you “talk” to my head or stomach and tell them to stop hurting the love of your life. You have this child like spirit and zest for life that I did not think anyone else on this earth had but me. You make life fun. You always jump in the air and celebrate my arrival when I walk through the door. I love that about you. I always feel special, loved, pretty, noticed and heard. I promise to always greet you when you walk through the door and ask how your day was.  I promise to always celebrate you. Celebrate the kind-hearted, loving man that you are and celebrate the love we share. I promise to love you with my whole heart for my whole life. I believe in you…amazing, kind, and incredibly handsome you. I believe in us and the strength of our love and commitment to each other. I believe in the life we will build together and in the family we will grow to be. I promise to be faithful and supportive and always make your happiness and the happiness of our family my priority. Above all else, know from this day forward you will never be alone. You will forever have a home in my heart. I will be yours in plenty and in want, awesome times and tough times, in success and failure. I will always be there to pick you up when you fall. You’re my best friend, my penguin, my soul mate and the love of my life. You are my favorite person, and you have my heart and soul, forever and always.

 Brooke

I would recommend writing personal vows to anyone getting married. It adds such a personal, intimate element to the ceremony. I can't wait to read these to our children someday. I would love to include these in our story to the birth mother as well. I think our vows beautifully paint a picture of who we are and how powerful our love story is and continues to grow to be.

 My heart is overflowing with happiness. I am so excited to see where this life takes us on our journey as husband and wife. To see the family that we grow to be. People are starting to ask us when we are planning to start the adoption process. We both agree to let it happen when it happens and start to head down the path that will lead us to our future family. There are still moments when sadness washes over me when I think about the children that I cannot conceive. Would they have had Jason's dark complexion and adorable facial expressions? (His nephew does and it is the cutest thing) Would they have had my fathers nose or my goofy sense of humor? Last night I was at Target and I walked through the baby section. Sometimes I find myself in certain situations where I start to think, "YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A CHILD". Although, I am at peace with it and know I will be a mother someday, I still grieve for the children that will never grow inside me. I get angry, sad and feel a bit lost. Last night when I started feeling this way, I told myself, "it's okay to not always be okay". This is something I had to tell myself quite often after my father passed away. And I find myself needing those words now more than ever. But, then I also start to feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want my future children to ever think they were a second choice, because that is the farthest thing from the truth. I already think of my future children as miracles. As gifts. I will look at them as the most precious blessing and remember the words, "you will never have a child" and shake my head and think, challenge accepted!

I cannot wait to start the adoption journey with Jason and will keep the world posted as things progress!!

In the meantime, here a few dreamy wedding pics...

 

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

A letter to my future child:
It has been far too long since my last letter, but you have been on my mind as much as ever. Planning a wedding definitely consumes you. But, it's all consuming in such a beautiful way. I hope to tell you all about it someday. About every little detail. About how happiness completely engulfed me and I felt like I was in a dream. The happiest of dreams. How love took over and I could not get enough of making sure that the day I had dreamed of my entire life would be a true reflection of the love your dad and I share. The advice from others is constant. There is a theme of, it is just one day...focus on the marriage not the wedding...all that matters is that you are marrying your best friend. I could not agree more, but I still want the beauty of the most incredible love story ever to unfold and tell the story of how two people met, fell in love and want to celebrate each other for a lifetime and beyond. We are less than two weeks from the wedding and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure it is all real. I could never express how amazing it is to truly be loved, accepted and adored by your best friend and preparing to commit your lives to one another before God, friends and family. The bonds of a strong commitment and love are one of those experiences that cannot be described by words, but must be felt. I gather that the love a mother feels for her child is of a similar resilient strength, just in a completely different form. I feel even though you're not here yet, those bonds have already started to form and that love for you has been growing in my heart my entire life. Yesterday I experienced that mother-child bond, but on the end of the child. Let me try to explain. When your grandfather died my world was forever changed. I lost part of myself that day. One positive thing that grew from that horrible experience was my bond with your grandmother. She and I have had our moments, especially during my teenage years. There was never a doubt in my mind of how much I loved her or how blessed I was to have her as a mother, but my gratefulness was lacking at times. Along with how I treated her. We became connected in such a deep way when your grandfather died. More than ever, loving her and caring for her become my priority. I wanted to take her pain away, to hold her and not let go and to make her feel how much I loved her. She is such an amazing woman. Another thing that happened to me after I lost your grandfather was the realization that for years I had been living with anxiety isssues, unbeknownst to me. I worried more. About my mom. About life. Such a big part of my life was missing when he died. Your grandmother has grown to be my best friend. I can't go a day without talking to her or I miss her like crazy. She adds such light to my life. Yesterday, I couldn't get a hold of her which is rare. I tried her home phone, cell phone and your Uncle Doug's phone. Panic set in. I instantly felt that something bad had happened and wanted to know for certain she was fine. I broke down, becuase the mere thought of something happening to her terrified me. That is the type of love I hope and know in my heart we will feel for each other some day. In the back of my mind I knew everything was fine, but my mind went back to the day I received the worst phone call of my life. The call when I found out your grandfather went to sleep and never woke up. The day I found out he went to be an angel in heaven with his best friend Kent. The day my life would never be the same. After I spoke with your grandmother yesterday and felt silly for getting so worked up, I thought about something. When I hung up the phone with her I thought, "I hope I have a child that loves me this much one day." I am so thankful I finally realize how amazing my mother is. How much she loves me and loved me before she brought me into this world. She too was told she could never have children. But she didn't give up. My dad and mom wanted a family. They wanted to be parents so they adopted. And they love my brothers in the most beautiful way. They made them parents when they were told that would never happen. They had so much love in their hearts that God gave them me when they weren't even looking for me. Your grandmother says that I never moved when I was in her belly. I find that hard to believe as I haven't stopped moving since I landed in this beautiful world. Although this story has been a bit all over the place, the moral is, a love between a mother and a child is a force to be reckoned with. Such an amazing thing that I cannot wait to experience from the other end. You are loved. I am not sure how or when we will meet, but I promise you this, you better be ready to be loved like crazy for the rest of your life. Your dad and I sure are ready. Now back to planning The Best Day Ever..AKA our wedding day.
With a heart full of love, your mom

Words....

I couldn't sleep last night. I decided to look up a t shirt I had seen on Etsy with the "Adoption is the New Pregnant" phrase on it as I had seen it earlier and read that the family who is selling them is using the money towards their adoption. I thought, "wow, how cool." But, as I was searching I came across two blogs with a completely different message. These were blogs against the making of the shirts and the saying "adoption is the new pregnant" all together. Now, we are each entitled to our own opinion and our experiences and journeys life has taken us through have molded and formed our thought patterns. The things these women were saying were so hurtful. My heart broke. I cried and touched my belly. Feeling that emptiness all over again the same as when I heard the words, "you can never get pregnant." The woman who started the blog said it was the most offensive statement she has ever heard and adopting does not make you a mother. She went on to say hurtful things such as its not the worlds fault that some women can't get pregnant, but that doesn't give them the right to take other women's children. She went on to say countless nasty things about women who adopt. Now, I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did. It still does. My heart hurts today. By saying, "adoption is the new pregnant" am I offending women who have and will give birth? Am I offending our future birth mom? In no way is that my intention. I'm simply trying to find peace and happiness in my situation. And no matter what I trust and know in my heart that I will be a mother. And I will always have the highest regard and love for the woman and man who made that possible.

Mothers Day Love....

Dear future birth mother:

I thought about you so much yesterday. I thought about the baby that we will both love so very much, in very different ways. I thought about how on every mothers day we will light a candle for you and talk about you. I want our child to know that their "tummy mommy" loved them so much. More than I can ever comprehend. Your selflessness will make me a mother. It will make Jason a father. And it will make us a family.

We will celebrate you not only on Mothers day, but on birthdays and adoption days as well. There will never be a question in our child's mind about where they came from and how much they are loved not only by the mothers heart who she grew in, but the heart he or she grew under as well.

Thank you just does not sound appropriate. As weird as it may sound, when I think about you and the child you will bless us with, I just want to tell you I love you. I want to make you feel loved and no matter what life has brought your way, let you know that there are people that love you and will always love you.

So, this is my mothers day wish for you: don't mourn for the child who you "gave away" (I hate that term), but think about how much that child and his or her family love you. How we think about you always and talk about you. Talk about your bravery, courage, and love. You will be loved and celebrated by us every mothers day, groundhog day, the first of the month, and every single day in between.

You are stronger than you think. You are beautiful and you are loved.

Happy mothers day.

Love,

Brooke

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Calm before the storm?!

Since the engagement I have constantly been daydreaming of all things wedding. Pinning wedding goodness on Pinterest until my eyes are blurry and in general focused on the wedding. A major case of wedding brain as my sweet friend Holli says! :) Now that the wedding, which is affectionately know as "The Best Day Ever", is only 3 1/2 months away(OMG!!!!!! I never say that, but it seems appropriate in this case!), when I should be getting busy on the million things I have to do, I find myself constantly daydreaming about adoption. Weird, I know. Like my mom says, "Brooke, you have to get through the wedding first!" Although the wedding hasn't occurred yet, I am in love with that day already. I close my eyes and I can smell the flowers on a warm August day. Hear the laughter of all the kids playing in the lawn at the farm. Ahhh, it makes my heart so happy! I am marrying my best friend. The person who makes me feel beautiful, and loved, and I can be my silly self with all the time. There will be amazing music, and dancing, and even a prize jar. More on that sweet treat later! :)  I will be surrounded by all of the people that I love and looked down from Heaven on by those who unfortunately have departed this world too soon.(Miss you, daddy. xo) When I think about the wedding I get this light hearted joy and excitement similar to the way I would feel before traveling to a new destination, but much more intense!

I think my heart is so full of love right now, that perhaps that is why I have adoption brain. Don't get me wrong, I still have wedding brain, but for some reason I have adoption on my mind and in my heart 24/7 lately!

Today, though, I found myself overwhelmed with nerves and anxiety when I was researching adoption and what steps to take. Where to begin?! Wow, there is so much out there! I have to remind myself to stay focused and positive and know that this will happen when it is supposed to happen. It just makes me so nervous! I even found an article that instead of a "Dear Birth Mother" letter, couples make a video of themselves for prospective parents. Cool and scary all at the same time! I hope they don't come across some of the rap videos I made in the car that Jason snuck on Facebook. Or wait, perhaps my sweet rap skills will win her over?! A girl can dream, can't she?! :)

I would love to find a local support group for Jason and I to join after the wedding madness is over so we can get advice and tips from couples who have adopted or who are on their own adoption journey. If you are reading this and want to share your story or give tips and advice that would be amazing! :)

And now I have to get ready for our big move this weekend! So excited for this next chapter with Jason. :)

Lots of love!

Brooke

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

So much love to give...

In the beginning I would get so nervous about whether or not Jason and I would be chosen as adoptive parents when that time comes. Would living in apartment count against us? Do we make enough money? Are we awesome enough? I think we all know the answer to number 3!

Something happened since I have been planning my wedding. This calmness has washed over me in a way I can't explain. I know in my heart that there is a baby out there that God already has picked out for us. I'm not the most religious person. I struggle in my journey with Christ, but one thing I know for sure is that God is good and that he provides. My heart is so open and so full of love to give to a child that I know that will not be denied.

The questions I have been getting from people who know we will be adopting in the future is: what country do you want to adopt from? Do you want a boy or a girl? Our hearts are completely open to any baby. Ideally I would love to follow the birth mom on her pregnancy journey. Not just because I would love to adopt an infant, because I want to be there for her. I want to see her body grow and change and experience those changes with her. I want to tell her everyday how amazing she is for what she is doing for us. I want to know her. Know her stories, good or bad. Talk with her. Be her friend. Because not only will we love her child for the rest of our lives, but we will love her. We may not be part of her journey after the birth, but we will love her forever. I want to be there to comfort her tell her she is beautiful. Because, I think all women should be told they're beautiful all the time and especially when they are pregnant. Now, my wishes may not all come true. I am sure we will be warned about being close with the birth mom and the chances of her changing her mind, but like I said before I know in my heart there is a baby meant to mine and Jason's. And one way or another, be it in a letter or face to face, I will make sure she knows how much she means to us and that she is giving us the greatest gift. I want her to know she will always be loved and that her child will know where he or she came from. I want them to know that their "tummy mommy" loved them very much. I want to celebrate their birthday and their adoption day.

So many things to look forward to in the future, but for now I have a wedding to plan!!

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger

We love you to the moon and back...

I have been pondering the idea of starting a blog for quite some time. Now this will not be your average, everyday blog. I have decided to start writing journals, letters, daily messages to the birth mother of our future adopted baby.

Now, I don't know when we will adopt (going to start the process a bit after our August wedding), but the love that I already have in my heart for this woman is amazing. It is such a different, overwhelming, emotional love, and because of this and that the journey has already started in my heart, I have decided to write to her. I want her to know us. Know our daily lives. Know the story of how we met and fell in love. Know how thankful I am for her. For her selflessness. For the child that we will unconditionally love until our hearts stop beating and beyond. I also decided to make this public so the people in my life can be part of this journey as well.

I don't normally spill out uber personal details, but with this being such an emotional journey, I decided that this would be therapeutic for me and to help everyone understand our adoption story. In February of 2012 I was told I could never have children. I have a condition called Premature Ovarian Failure (POV). My ovaries do not produce eggs. I took a test that said that I have a less than 1% chance of ever producing one egg. I found this out before I met Jason and about a year after my father had past away. Now, adoption has always been in my heart, but hearing the words, "you can never have children" is devastating. I felt like such a special gift had been taken from me. I would go to the store and see a pregnant woman and cry and touch my belly and feel such an emptiness. I was grieving. Grieving for the children I would never give birth to. I instantly thought that no one would ever want to be with me, because I could not have children.

Then steps in Jason. A gift that I am so grateful for. When I met Jason, I knew he was special. After our second date we both knew we were meant to be. I wanted to tell him in the beginning about not being able to have children, because I felt that he deserved to know. Jason was so accepting of this and even made a joke that getting pregnant isn't cool and adopting is so much better. I cannot put into words how it feels to know that someone loves you so unconditionally and truly that they would accept everything without even doubting it for a moment. My love for him at that moment intensified and I knew I was so incredibly blessed.

I cannot wait to be his wife. It is less than 4 months and I am so ready! (Well, ready in my heart and ready to be his wife, but boy do we have a lot to do for the big day!)

I am so excited about this blog and to have the people I love in my life go on this journey with me.

With love,

Brooke

 

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger